General health update
So I haven't been posting as much recently, because my health has been... IDK anymore how to describe it. Much worse than usual, I guess? Someday soon, (when I have the energy for it) I'm going to post a video explaining what's been going on with my ephemeral health issues over the last... decade or two, in more detail.
I don't talk about it a lot, because talking about it doesn't do any good and just makes other people feel bad about it.
Unless they are ALSO a chronically ill person (which many of us are in this age category HMM WEIRD RIGHT) and then we just *get it*, there's no need to explain.
But, just as an overview:
- 20-25ish years of unexplained chronic pain (including migraines, & back)
- 20ish years of unexplained chronic fatigue (which has gotten SUBSTANTIONALLY WORSE after catching Covid in September, AND AGAIN in just the last few days/week or so)
- 20-25ish years of unrelenting, treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder
- multiple mild-moderate environmental & food allergies (that trigger anaphylaxis symptoms)
- randomly passing out / vasovagal syncope
- oh yea also Inattentive ADHD w/ severe time blindness
- also my psych team is looking at a possible 3rd diagnosis
The best summary I can give is I feel like the cursed Pirates in "The Pirates of the Caribbean". Barely anything brings me joy anymore (besides my kitties & Kelly), "food turns to ash" in my mouth so feeding myself is a daily struggle, nothing helps.
So. Yeah. It's a lot (and I'm leaving a LOT out, that's the TL;DR summary), and it mostly sucks, but at least my doctors are taking me seriously now. I have SIXTEEN doctor appointments this month, including a Sleep study, EEG, and Echocardiogram. I am also scheduled to start TMS treatment sometime soon (if my extreme fatigue doesn't disqualify me).
This is why I quit my job. Because it is incredibly difficult to work with my worsening symptoms, and having open availability for any appointment available. (And everytime I HAVE to call out, I have an emotional crisis about it because I HATE being considered an 'unreliable flake.') And yes, I *should* qualify for disability/social services, but it is an impenetrable labyrinth of red tape that I have already been denied. 🤷
I am just INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that I live in Oregon, because so far 100% of my medical stuff has ALL been covered! (Dentist is a FAR different story, though.)
Recent highlights of my medical history include:
- incredibly worsening fatigue to the point that just being able to feed myself (& cats) and take my pills is all I can manage most days
- lapses in procedural memory
- TWO teeth have infections below the root, 1 of which is a "re-treatment" of a "failed root canal" (which is apparently 0% covered by insurance) which is just something can happen to ANY treated tooth, BUT CAN KILL YOU. So that's like... $2.5k-6k worth of work that has to go on a Credit card
- Oh also I just started seeing a doctor that is trying to figure out if I have an autoimmune disease or not. 👀
- I am currently taking... 12-15 daily medications/vitamins-at-drs-request. NOTHING is helping. All of my symptoms are the same, or worse.
- and ALL of the physical medical/dental, and mental/psych aspects feed into each other
- (IDK know anymore, man. I have so many symptoms I just try to tune out all day so I can *DO* fucking anything, so I always forget some big ones when I list them out like this.)
I am just...
so...
very, very...
tired.
So when someone I used to be close with asks me after 5 or 10 years out of the blue, "Hey, how are you doing?"...
...I don't even know how to answer anymore. Compared to a "normal" person? Compared to myself, a year ago? A decade ago? To you?
Everything is relative and nothing matters. Existence is pain. For me, *literally*. The last time I remember not being in pain at all was my Junior year of HIGH SCHOOL, 2001, 20 years ago.
So. ((shrugs)) That's... my update. That's what going on with me.
I don't talk about it a lot, because talking about it doesn't do any good and just makes other people feel bad about it.
Unless they are ALSO a chronically ill person (which many of us are in this age category HMM WEIRD RIGHT) and then we just *get it*, there's no need to explain.
But, just as an overview:
- 20-25ish years of unexplained chronic pain (including migraines, & back)
- 20ish years of unexplained chronic fatigue (which has gotten SUBSTANTIONALLY WORSE after catching Covid in September, AND AGAIN in just the last few days/week or so)
- 20-25ish years of unrelenting, treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder
- multiple mild-moderate environmental & food allergies (that trigger anaphylaxis symptoms)
- randomly passing out / vasovagal syncope
- oh yea also Inattentive ADHD w/ severe time blindness
- also my psych team is looking at a possible 3rd diagnosis
The best summary I can give is I feel like the cursed Pirates in "The Pirates of the Caribbean". Barely anything brings me joy anymore (besides my kitties & Kelly), "food turns to ash" in my mouth so feeding myself is a daily struggle, nothing helps.
So. Yeah. It's a lot (and I'm leaving a LOT out, that's the TL;DR summary), and it mostly sucks, but at least my doctors are taking me seriously now. I have SIXTEEN doctor appointments this month, including a Sleep study, EEG, and Echocardiogram. I am also scheduled to start TMS treatment sometime soon (if my extreme fatigue doesn't disqualify me).
This is why I quit my job. Because it is incredibly difficult to work with my worsening symptoms, and having open availability for any appointment available. (And everytime I HAVE to call out, I have an emotional crisis about it because I HATE being considered an 'unreliable flake.') And yes, I *should* qualify for disability/social services, but it is an impenetrable labyrinth of red tape that I have already been denied. 🤷
I am just INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that I live in Oregon, because so far 100% of my medical stuff has ALL been covered! (Dentist is a FAR different story, though.)
Recent highlights of my medical history include:
- incredibly worsening fatigue to the point that just being able to feed myself (& cats) and take my pills is all I can manage most days
- lapses in procedural memory
- TWO teeth have infections below the root, 1 of which is a "re-treatment" of a "failed root canal" (which is apparently 0% covered by insurance) which is just something can happen to ANY treated tooth, BUT CAN KILL YOU. So that's like... $2.5k-6k worth of work that has to go on a Credit card
- Oh also I just started seeing a doctor that is trying to figure out if I have an autoimmune disease or not. 👀
- I am currently taking... 12-15 daily medications/vitamins-at-drs-request. NOTHING is helping. All of my symptoms are the same, or worse.
- and ALL of the physical medical/dental, and mental/psych aspects feed into each other
- (IDK know anymore, man. I have so many symptoms I just try to tune out all day so I can *DO* fucking anything, so I always forget some big ones when I list them out like this.)
I am just...
so...
very, very...
tired.
So when someone I used to be close with asks me after 5 or 10 years out of the blue, "Hey, how are you doing?"...
...I don't even know how to answer anymore. Compared to a "normal" person? Compared to myself, a year ago? A decade ago? To you?
Everything is relative and nothing matters. Existence is pain. For me, *literally*. The last time I remember not being in pain at all was my Junior year of HIGH SCHOOL, 2001, 20 years ago.
So. ((shrugs)) That's... my update. That's what going on with me.
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