Everyday struggles
It's been really hard for me since leaving/losing this last job. I was doing rather well (or thought I was), so well I thought I could do without my anti-depressants on a regular schedule. That was silly of me.
Skipping the story of what happened at my former place of employment, tonight was super-bad. This makes twice in the last week (since my last day of work) that I've broke down in tears for no apparent reason. God bless my boyfriend, he loves and supports me so well and thankfully understands depression, he has been super helpful with these attacks.
I've fallen behind on my "productiveness" (AKA kicking myself in the ass because I'm a lazy procrastinator), and due to that feel like a failure, and overwhelmed by how much there is to do. It just always seems like however much energy I extend, there is always more to do. It's exhausting and discouraging.
Add to that my health problems, which are the main cause of my depression anyway... I'm always exhausted, everything is hard and I always hurt and am tired. I've been trying really hard to work past that instead of feeling like a victim in my own life. I feel betrayed by my body, but until a point in time when I can actually get diagnosed and afford treatment, this is my life for now.
And if I want to get to that point, I'm the only one who can make that happen. So I pretend I'm not sick. And try to be positive, and encourage myself, and not enable myself, and be productive, setting goals and doing something every day towards those. But then something like this job loss happens, and it just feels like everything I try at, I fail. Which hurts all the more because it takes so much effort to summon the will to TRY every day. And then I encounter a setback, and just lose all hope & will.
Hit the reset button, let's try this again... I've had my wallow time, smoked a little, drank some tea, cuddled my kitties, processed what I needed to, now.... back on that damn fucking asshole of a horse called life.
Maybe I'll get it right this time.
Or maybe not. I'll deal with that when I get to it.
Skipping the story of what happened at my former place of employment, tonight was super-bad. This makes twice in the last week (since my last day of work) that I've broke down in tears for no apparent reason. God bless my boyfriend, he loves and supports me so well and thankfully understands depression, he has been super helpful with these attacks.
I've fallen behind on my "productiveness" (AKA kicking myself in the ass because I'm a lazy procrastinator), and due to that feel like a failure, and overwhelmed by how much there is to do. It just always seems like however much energy I extend, there is always more to do. It's exhausting and discouraging.
Add to that my health problems, which are the main cause of my depression anyway... I'm always exhausted, everything is hard and I always hurt and am tired. I've been trying really hard to work past that instead of feeling like a victim in my own life. I feel betrayed by my body, but until a point in time when I can actually get diagnosed and afford treatment, this is my life for now.
And if I want to get to that point, I'm the only one who can make that happen. So I pretend I'm not sick. And try to be positive, and encourage myself, and not enable myself, and be productive, setting goals and doing something every day towards those. But then something like this job loss happens, and it just feels like everything I try at, I fail. Which hurts all the more because it takes so much effort to summon the will to TRY every day. And then I encounter a setback, and just lose all hope & will.
Hit the reset button, let's try this again... I've had my wallow time, smoked a little, drank some tea, cuddled my kitties, processed what I needed to, now.... back on that damn fucking asshole of a horse called life.
Maybe I'll get it right this time.
Or maybe not. I'll deal with that when I get to it.
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