Nonviolent Communication notes (book by Marshall Rosenberg)

Day One / Chapter One: Giving from the Heart

The NVC process:
1. Observations: The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.
2. Feelings: How we feel in relation to what we observe.
3. Needs: The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
4. Requests: The concrete actions we request in order to enrich their lives.

Example:

"When I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV (1), I feel irritated (2) because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common (3). Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine (4)?"

Chapter Two: Communication that blocks Compassion
Types of life-alienating communications (hierarchical societies train slavelike mentality so we have to look to authorities for definitions of good/bad/etc):

Moralistic Judgments: implying wrongness.badness on people who don't act in harmony (support) with our values (value judgments, qualities we value in life). Subjective to viewpoint. Includes blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons & diagnoses. Causes fear, guilt, shame.

Examples:

"Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil."

"I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; 

I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means."

Making Comparisons: Comparing self (or others) to other people, example through physical beauty measurements, or achievement levels.

Denial of Responsibility: We are responsible for our own feelings, thoughts & actions/behavior. Attributing their cause to factors outside ourselves (vague impersonal forces; condition/diagnoses/history; other's actions; dictates of authority; group pressure; policies/rules/regulations; gender/social/age roles; uncontrollable impulses) causes denial. Example phrases: "have to," "makes one feel."

Example:

"I hate giving grades, but I have to: it's district policy."

"I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job."

Communicating desires as demands: Explicitly or implicitly threatens blame/punishment if listener fails to comply. You cannot control others or make them do anything.

Actions meriting reward or punishment: "deserve." simliar to moralistic judgments.



Chapter Three: Observing without Evaluating