Learning to be thankful for small things
Sometimes I forget how lucky and blessed I really am. Too often, I focus on the negatives in my life and ignore the good things by taking them for granted.
Today, I am thankful for having a lovely shady spot in my yard to hang out and do my work in. It's beautiful, shady, there are fragrant roses, I get to chill with my kitty, it's amazing. Annnnd... I never even thought of it until today. I've lived here... over a year now. 2 summers. I think we are all oblivious to the everyday miracles around us.
I think starting mindfulness meditation has helped me notice and enjoy these small moments in my life. I'm still not very good at quieting my mind, but there have been some benefits.
Last week, while focusing on my breathing during meditation, I noticed I was not breathing in and out to my full capacity, only about... 20-80%. As soon as I was aware of it, my breathing naturally expanded into its full capacity, and I realized I had started consciously breathing more shallowly several years ago, when my chest started hurting, and just... never stopped editing my breaths. And sure enough, after about... oh, I dunno, maybe an hour of "full" breathing, my chest started to hurt again.
For now, I would rather deal with more pain and have more air (and thereby hopefully energy!) for my health. When I get overwhelmed by pain, I can always do shallow breaths if I have to. But I've been in pain everyday for years, so I might as well get used to it. I am sick of waiting on my health to improve to live my life. I feel like my young adulthood got stripped from me. It's incredibly frustrating.
I try to ignore my pain as much as possible, but it makes it all the worse when people/doctors don't understand, think it's all in my head, or think I "look healthy." I have had to substantially alter my dreams and life plans because I am simply not capable of things I used to be. I have a much more limited capacity, not only due to my physical health, but also my mental health. I still think I have inattentive add, I get overwhelmed by the smallest things, I just can't make things work like they are supposed to. I think a lot of people (family, friends, doctors) might just think I'm lazy, or I complain a lot, and that is one of the big reasons why I DON'T like talking about any of it.
I don't feel like I have much support, except Kelly. Whom I am incredibly thankful to have in my life. Even though sometimes he drives me crazy, he loves me and is really emotionally supportive to me. He is one of the few things in my life that, no matter how bad my depression gets, still makes me smile and happy to be around. Another one is my kitty cat. <3 the fuzzy cute kitties. God made kitties for depression, I'm sure of it. lol
Anyway, I have to do my Sunday bible reading now, and then physical therapy (UGH). I haven't been able to finish a set yet, but I keep trying. Hypothetically the more I try, the easier it should become.
My only goal is to keep moving forward, improve a little each day.
(P.S. one test did finally come back and show something: I have some sort of spur in my femoral head joint, so I am getting a CT scan soon for that. Annnd I am finally getting my sideways wisdom teeth removed! Yay ObamaCare!)
Today, I am thankful for having a lovely shady spot in my yard to hang out and do my work in. It's beautiful, shady, there are fragrant roses, I get to chill with my kitty, it's amazing. Annnnd... I never even thought of it until today. I've lived here... over a year now. 2 summers. I think we are all oblivious to the everyday miracles around us.
I think starting mindfulness meditation has helped me notice and enjoy these small moments in my life. I'm still not very good at quieting my mind, but there have been some benefits.
Last week, while focusing on my breathing during meditation, I noticed I was not breathing in and out to my full capacity, only about... 20-80%. As soon as I was aware of it, my breathing naturally expanded into its full capacity, and I realized I had started consciously breathing more shallowly several years ago, when my chest started hurting, and just... never stopped editing my breaths. And sure enough, after about... oh, I dunno, maybe an hour of "full" breathing, my chest started to hurt again.
For now, I would rather deal with more pain and have more air (and thereby hopefully energy!) for my health. When I get overwhelmed by pain, I can always do shallow breaths if I have to. But I've been in pain everyday for years, so I might as well get used to it. I am sick of waiting on my health to improve to live my life. I feel like my young adulthood got stripped from me. It's incredibly frustrating.
I try to ignore my pain as much as possible, but it makes it all the worse when people/doctors don't understand, think it's all in my head, or think I "look healthy." I have had to substantially alter my dreams and life plans because I am simply not capable of things I used to be. I have a much more limited capacity, not only due to my physical health, but also my mental health. I still think I have inattentive add, I get overwhelmed by the smallest things, I just can't make things work like they are supposed to. I think a lot of people (family, friends, doctors) might just think I'm lazy, or I complain a lot, and that is one of the big reasons why I DON'T like talking about any of it.
I don't feel like I have much support, except Kelly. Whom I am incredibly thankful to have in my life. Even though sometimes he drives me crazy, he loves me and is really emotionally supportive to me. He is one of the few things in my life that, no matter how bad my depression gets, still makes me smile and happy to be around. Another one is my kitty cat. <3 the fuzzy cute kitties. God made kitties for depression, I'm sure of it. lol
Anyway, I have to do my Sunday bible reading now, and then physical therapy (UGH). I haven't been able to finish a set yet, but I keep trying. Hypothetically the more I try, the easier it should become.
My only goal is to keep moving forward, improve a little each day.
(P.S. one test did finally come back and show something: I have some sort of spur in my femoral head joint, so I am getting a CT scan soon for that. Annnd I am finally getting my sideways wisdom teeth removed! Yay ObamaCare!)
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